I have been out of the articulation loop for many months, not because of a lack of soul-searching or moments of delicious happiness. Perhaps one of the challenges is documenting experience when it is full and engaging. I decided to create a symbolic gesture by writing something, anything, this evening to step back into the process. Here goes.
After a recent hospitalization a few weeks ago and a continual struggle to regain some level of wellness I find myself more often then not on the less than happy side of life: chronic pain that distracts, short term energy reserves that limit focus and participation, anxiety about medical advice that does not seem to be helping to make a difference. The interesting upside is that I am 24/7 in self-awareness and how I am or am not interacting with the world. I am having this wonderful opportunity to witness all manner of subtle feelings, thoughts and behaviors that are normally obscured by the business and noise of everyday living. I was looking for a song to bring to a weekend workshop I am attending tomorrow. I found myself narrowing a list of songs, both familiar and ones unfamiliar, down to a few and then one. Along the way I found myself singing the songs. I don't consider myself a singer or choose singing as something to past the moments doing, but today I was experiencing a sense of lighthearted happiness through the listening to and singing of inspiring songwriter creations in spite of "all my other woes of the moment." In a similar vein I "bumped" into my ex-girlfriend's blog about her favorite retreat spot, her rustic beach cabin, when all the memories and hopes and dreams I had with her symbolized by that wonderful spot here on Puget Sound washed into my heart. There was the profound sadness I felt around her report that she was still creating wonderful memories there, unawares of how sick and isolated I have been in my home. I felt the missing of the best of what she and I once were and the poignancy of remembering that hard as we tried we could not find a way to learn to nurture one another in a way that worked for each of us. But in the midst of that poignancy I was able to shift my feelings into my caring for her and felt happy that she had so much in her special place with family and friends to be grateful for. Then the happiness creating the poignancy around those everyday moments came back into my memory and experience and filled me with joy, the gift of those moments and things she shared with me. I am checking out feeling content.
